


Gammon

by dormiensa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Co-workers, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Mild Language, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 01:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10205552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dormiensa/pseuds/dormiensa
Summary: A jinxed Quick-Quotes Quill causes misunderstandings.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [UnseenLibrarian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnseenLibrarian/gifts).



A message appeared on their usual _Protean_ ’d parchment:

>   
>  _They’re at it again._
> 
> **Right on schedule. One could time the rate of expansion of the universe  
>  on their predictability.**
> 
> _Certainly helps add a nice regularity to the day. I’m sure the_  
>  _heads-wedged-up-arses lawmakers never intended_ this _form of_  
>  _daily routine, though._
> 
> **Must’ve been a room of dull Hufflepuffs.**
> 
> _The dirty jobs must be done by_ someone. _Better the lot of_  
>  _Puffleduffs than a self-righteous Gryffindork. Worse, a_  
>  _pompous Ravenclaw._
> 
> **How IS the new girlfriend, by the way?**
> 
> _Sharp as ever. Got the scratches on my arse to prove it._
> 
> **Spare me.**
> 
> _Oh, quit the prudish pretense. You needn’t confess about the_  
>  _wife’s proclivities—it’s always the quiet ones._
> 
> **That filthy mind of yours is going to land you in trouble one of… _ooooooo!_  
> ** **He’s written a trigger word. Ha! Who would’ve thought discussions about**  
>  **the amendment to the Imported Floo Powder Container Bill could cause**  
>  **such… palpitations!**
> 
> _’Tis only the start of the day. I haven’t even finished my first_  
>  _cup of tea._
> 
> **Ouch! That screech must’ve hit 130 decibels at least.**
> 
> _In that case, the messenger owls in Diagon Alley will be holding_  
>  _parliament soon to muster for full-fledged warfare._
> 
> **The interoffice memos don’t stand a chance! By the way, don’t believe**  
>  **I thanked you for switching Malfoy’s favourite writing implement with a **  
> **Weazies Quipping Quick-Quotes Quill.** ****
> 
> _No thanks required! I must doff my hat to you, old friend, for_  
>  _bespelling their correspondence! Did you somehow pluck a_  
>  _hair from each?_
> 
> **You mean, like a Polyjuice? Oh, it’s nothing so complicated. Been**  
>  **around them long enough to know their reading speeds.**
> 
> _Ah, brilliant! The superiority of simplicity._
> 
> **My blushes! Oh! Now she’s triggered the “budget” to “big cock”**  
>  **switch.**
> 
> _I always said the Sex God moniker was overblown. You should_  
>  _see the shade of red he’s turned. Practically Gryffindork._
> 
> **That ought to captivate her. Wish I were there!**
> 
> _What are plucked memories among friends? We really_ must  
>  _perfect that Transfiguring Protean Charm of yours so I can get a_  
>  _first-hand account of their goings-on._
> 
> **Hang tight! Incoming! Sparking curls, too! I want details!**
> 
> _Hurricane Hermione has hit! Category 3, I’d say. Good thing the_  
>  _furniture is solid oak. Chest-poking has occurred._
> 
> **How dazzling is the hair?**
> 
> _Oh, I’d say an apparent magnitude of -10._
> 
> **Well, there’re still a few days until the full moon…**
> 
> _Oh, my forever-befouled virginal ears! Who’d’ve ever thought the_  
>  _two of them would engage in verbal sex in public? Slytherins_  
>  _sagging sacs, Granger should have a taboo placed on that mouth_  
>  _of hers! The words ‘quivering’, ‘quim’, and ‘tits’ should_ not _sound_  
>  _that sultry with that swotty fog-horn voice of hers!_
> 
> **The Malfoys have always suffered hearing impairment. All that**  
>  **inbreeding. It’s why they place so much emphasis on appearances.**
> 
> _Well, I can’t fault ol’ Lucius for his impeccable taste. Narcissa is_  
>  _a piece of fine art I wouldn’t mind bound and gagged on my_  
>  _bedroom wall._
> 
> **Some would say your mum’s a pretty delectable commodity**
> 
> _I would suggest you leave that thought unfinished, Theodore_  
>  _Antiochus Nott._
> 
> **You should thank her for those inherited siren-like abilities. Doubt **  
> **the chicks flock to you because of your exceptional wit or congeniality.** ****
> 
> _Piss off!_
> 
> **Aren’t we—oh, sod it! Wazzock and Fucknugget just barged in.**
> 
> _Ha! That’s what happens when you share an office with their_  
>  _binty best friend._
> 
> **More like the gits are too scared to show their faces in _your_ office and be**  
>  **told off by the fog-horn. Courage is definitely the most overused word**  
>  **for colossal stupidity.**  
> 

“Nott, what have you and Zabini done this time to set them off?” said Harry in a tired voice. 

“What in blazes are you talking about, Potter?”

“Oh, stop playing stupid. We know you two caused her to pick a fight with Malfoy. Her hair only gets that snitty when he’s wound her up,” snarled Ron.

“Feeling regret you never worked her to that degree, Weasley?”

“Sod off, Nott.”

“Just tell us why Zabini is still in his office being entertained by their fighting. We all know that’s the only reason he hasn’t fled to safety.”

Theo shrugged. “Knowing them, likely some silly misunderstanding over jargon. That’s technical wording, Weasley.”

“Shut it, Nott! I’ve read my share of legislation since working here.”

“And yet you still can’t distinguish between your hereinaboves and your _inter alia_.”

“I’d just gotten off a two-week stakeout!”

“Falling on that old excuse again? Pity you can’t blame it on a cursed locket anymore.”

Harry grabbed Ron by the arm as he made a lunge at the smirking Nott. He adjusted his glasses. “Just… tell Zabini not to egg them on. Otherwise, we’re definitely going to make sure the two of you are on scraping duty.” There was a glimmer of satisfaction in his green eyes at Theo’s wince. He dragged Ron out of the room.

>   
>  **I’ve just been read the riot act. Threats of scraping duty. Try not to let**  
>  **things get too out of hand.**
> 
> _Beat one Hungarian Horntail and you think you can lord it_  
>  _over everyone._
> 
> **What’s Granger’s excuse, then? Or Malfoy’s, for that matter.**
> 
> _Blast-Ended Skrewts rammed in terminal orifices._
> 
> **If I weren’t against a Gryffindor-Slytherin union on principle, I’d say they**  
>  **suit each other like Firewhiskey and pumpkin pie.**
> 
> _Desist from forcing your poor culinary tastes on others, Nott!_  
>  _Speaking of our antagonistic pair, I’ve saved us from enslavement_  
>  _by casual mention of the Billywig incident. Granger stormed off to_  
>  _confront Goldstein. And for all his snide comments of being rid of_  
>  _know-it-all swots, the droop in the shoulders is unmistakeable._
> 
> **Oh, just lock them in the supplies room and _Silencio_ the door!**
> 
> _Are you proposing a Gryffindor-Slytherin union, Nott?_
> 
> **Malfoy’s shagged a half-blood Hufflepuff. Can’t do worse.**
> 
> _Merlin’s split-ended thatch! I can’t believe how pissed he was that_  
>  _night. Guessing Lucius hasn’t caught wind of that yet. I’m certain,_  
>  _even trapped in Azkaban, he can invoke some sort of family charter_  
>  _to disinherit the little shite._  
> 

“Tell Nott I know he’s the one responsible for the erratic wording. As soon as Granger can be reasoned with, I’m siccing her on him.” 

Blaise sharply intook a breath. Schooling his features, he looked up at the hovering Draco, silently thanking the creators of the spell that prevented third parties from reading correspondence on the _Protean_ ’d parchment. Then he mentally grimaced. He’d forgotten that Draco and Hermione were the inventors of said spell _and_ said communication tool. “Petulant of you to blame others for a flirtation gone wrong, Malfoy.”

Draco raised a brow and gave a pointed look at the apparently blank piece of parchment at Blaise’s elbow. Blaise showed him the perfect poker face the Malfoy heir had never managed.

“Archived logs of past correspondences are such treasure troves. I’m sure Flint would find those comments about his girlfriend’s arse an enjoyable read. Or perhaps Millicent should be informed of your _true_ opinion of the dress robes she wore at the last Orphan’s Ball.”

Draco turned his back on the slack-jawed Blaise.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the H&V If the Prompt Fits Fest 2017  
> prompt: A jinxed Quick-Quotes Quill causes many misunderstandings. (by UnseenLibrarian)
> 
> and yes, i used the brilliant prompt as my summary! many thanks to withdrawnred for the idea and for beta'ing!


End file.
